+2

Three handsome male dogs were  walking down the street when they saw a beautiful, enticing female poodle. They fell all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but ended up arriving in front of her all at the same time.

The males were speechless before her beauty, hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decided to be kind and told  them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab spoke  up quickly and said, “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?”

“Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurted the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turned to the last of the three and said, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big on finesse, was the chihuahua.

He gave her a smile, a sly wink, turned to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and said, “Liver alone, cheese mine."

 

An old country preacher had a teenage son. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't know what he wanted to do in life, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A Bible....2. A silver dollar. 3. A bottle of whisky. 4. And a Playboy magazine. He was thinking “If he picks up the Bible, he’ll be a preacher too. If he picks up the silver dollar a banker, If the bottle of whisky a drunken bum, and the Playboy a no-good womanizer.”

The boy came in and tucked the Bible under his arm. Then took the silver dollar and put it in his pocket. He took a nip of whiskey and checked out the centerfold.

The preacher said. Oh No he’s running for Congress!

Good one, Randy.

  you guys are killin me.

+1

Hello ...

Felt like this week had 5 Mondays ... It is unbelievable that simple things, that have been made simpler, people still make a mess and get updset if you charge them for their mistake ...

 

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life – that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

He was lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he’s ever seen rowed up to shore. In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replied, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?” said the woman. "I made itvout of some raw material I found mon the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?" the man asked.

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a kiln I fashioned from rock it melted into ductile iron. I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy was stunned.

“Let's row over to my place," she said. “'ll give you a tour."

After a short ride she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked to shore he nearly fell off the boat. Before him was a long stone walk leading to a cabin and a tree house.

While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope the man, dumbstruck, just stared.

As they walked into the house she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down. Would you like a drink?"

No! No thank you!” the man blurted, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice.”

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winked the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

He accepted and when she returned with the drinks they sat on couch  and shared their survival stories.  Then the woman said, “I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.”

No longer questioning anything, the man went upstairs to the bathroom. In the cabinet was a razor made of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he thought. "What's next?"

When he returned she greeted him wearing nothing but some small fragrant flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, and then beckoned him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she began, “we’ve both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?”

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “You mean,” he answered excitedly as tears started to form in his eyes, “you built a golf course, too?”