A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.

To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works.

Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"

"No," she said, "but my Mother isn't looking to get laid, either."

Quote from: DesmoDiva on Today at 07:13:23 AMKnock, knock, this thing on?

Roger Diva. We're receiving your transmission.

Good evening all. My cousin that is a doctor on National Geographic cruise ships, is taking me on an 8 day Alaska cruise next summer! She took me on a Japan trip a couple of years ago.

After his check-up, the doctor smiled at the elderly man and said, "Well, you seem to be in great shape! Any health concerns on your mind?"

"Actually, yes, doc," the old man replied. "Every time I make love to my wife, after the first round, I'm hot and sweaty. But after the second time, I'm freezing and shivering. What's up with that?"

Curious, the doctor decided to examine his wife as well. After finishing, he reassured her, "You're in perfect health! Do you have any concerns or questions for me?"

She shook her head. "Nope, I'm all good."

The doctor scratched his head. "Well, your husband mentioned something odd. He says after the first time you make love, he's burning up, but after the second time, he's shivering like it's winter. Any idea why?"

The elderly lady rolled her eyes and chuckled. "Oh, that silly old man... That's because the first time is in August, and the second time is in the winter.

A leper loved draft beer but every time he went into a bar he was thrown out due to his illness. One day he enters a bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bar tender serves him, ducks into the back room and vomits. The leper enjoys his beer so much that he orders another. The bartender serves him and ducks into the back and vomits. The leper is enjoying the service and when he orders his third beer he thanks the bartender for serving him even though his appearance is so vile that it makes the bartender vomit every time he sees him, to which the bartender replies "Your appearance doesn't bother me, the reason I keep vomiting is the man next to you keeps dipping his cracker in your arm."

An oldie...


A young man went to a farmer and bought a horse for $100 the farmer was to deliver the horse the next day. The farmer contacted the young man the next day with the unfortunate news that the horse had died, but when he tried to give the young man back his money the young man insisted that he would rather have the horse, dead or alive. A few days later the farmer met the young man again and asked how the dead horse was working out for him, the young man replied verry well. "I raffled him off and charged $20 per ticket and sold over 100 tickets." weren't they upset that the horse was dead, the farmer asked? nobody even noticed the young man replied, except the winner, so I happily refunded his $20

A guy decides to sneak out of work early and treat himself to a "quick drink."

One quick drink turns into an all-night session, and he ends up stumbling out of the bar at closing time, absolutely hammered.

When he gets home, he is determined not to wake his family.

He quietly opens the door, slips off his shoes, and starts creeping up the stairs.

About halfway up, he loses his balance, tumbles backwards, and lands hard on his backside.

Normally, that would just bruise his ego, but tonight he has a couple of empty beer bottles in his back pockets.

They shatter, and the broken glass slices up his rear end.

He is so drunk he barely notices.

Later, while undressing in the bedroom, he spots blood on his underwear. Confused, he turns around to inspect the damage in the mirror and sees that his backside is a disaster.

So he grabs the first-aid kit and, squinting into the mirror, carefully starts sticking band-aids everywhere he sees a cut.

Satisfied with his "surgery," he crawls into bed and passes out.

The next morning, he wakes up with a pounding headache and a burning butt, trying to invent a believable excuse, when his wife walks in.

"You were wasted last night," she says.

"No, no," he replies.

"I just worked late, then had a couple of beers on the way home."

She snorts.

"A couple of beers? Please. You were obliterated. Where did you really go?"

"What makes you think I was that drunk?" he asks.

She folds her arms and says, "For starters, I found half a box of Band-Aids carefully stuck all over the bathroom mirror."

Knock, knock, this thing on?

Good morning